


What Becomes Of The Brokenhearted

by labct1



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-21
Updated: 2013-07-20
Packaged: 2017-12-20 20:51:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/891724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/labct1/pseuds/labct1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam's life is perfect until he starts losing everything that matters to him<br/>Notes:    Really angsty story about how death of loved ones play on a person and how that changes them, and does love survive those changes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> An old Kradam fic I'm moving from LJ to here per request.

Adam flips the veggie burgers on one grill while his father mans the steaks on the other one. He looks around the backyard at all his friends and family and thinks his life is about as perfect as it can get. He has amazing friends, an incredible family and he’s found the love of his life. He just finished his second successful world tour and has started the writing process for his third.

“Penny for your thoughts.”

Adam looks over his shoulder at the brown eyed man who owns his heart. “Just thinking about how lucky I am.”

Kris hugs him from behind and places a kiss between his shoulder blades.

“Do you need any help?”

“No thanks babe. Go enjoy yourself.”

Kris kisses his back once more before Adam watches him do a cannonball into the pool. His mother starts yelling at him but she’s smiling and Adam laughs when Kris jumps out of the pool to give her a bear hug.

At the age of 30, Adam has everything anyone could want.

* * *

"Hey Dad. What's up?" Adam glances at the clock. He shouldn't have answered the phone. He's already late and now he's going to be even later. But he's been ignoring his parents for the last couple days. The least he can do is find out what they want.

"I think we can. I have to check with Kris. I'm not sure his schedule for tomorrow. What time?" Adam grabs his bag and keys and shuts the door, the phone dropping on the front steps. 

"Damn it," he mutters under his breath. 

"Dad, I need to call you back. I'm late for the studio. Text me the time. Love ya," he says. He doesn't wait for an answer before he ends the call. His dad will understand. 

"Are you free tomorrow night for dinner with my parents?" Adam asks Kris later that night. 

"When?" Kris asks, pulling up his calendar.

"He said around six."

"I can't make it. I've got studio time booked until seven."

"No problem. Maybe I should blow it off too. I've got so much to do." Adam looks at his calendar. His schedule is solid for the next two weeks. If he bows out for tomorrow, he won't be available for a while. 

"Go. Have fun. You've been working really hard babe. You deserve a night off."

"You're right. Now, get your cute little butt over here." He pats his legs and wiggles his eyebrows at Kris. 

Kris doesn't comply. Instead he holds out his hand for Adam, and Adam lets himself be pulled up. Kris nips his chin and gives Adam a wicked smile. 

"Tonight, I need more room for what I have planned for you."

Kris starts walking towards the stairs, pulling Adam along. "You do huh?"

"Oh yeah. A couch isn't big enough."

Adam smiles. "I like the sound of that."

Kris laughs. "I thought you might."

The following night, Adam pulls into his parents driveway with exactly one minute to spare. He knows his mother likes him to be punctual. He looks around the house his parents bought a few years ago, right after Idol. He enjoys that they're closer to him now. Thankfully they aren't the type to intrude on his life even though they live ten minutes from him.

"Hey Mom," he says, leaning down to kiss her cheek. "Dad," he says giving him a hug. 

"Where's Kris?" his father asks, looking out the door towards the driveway.

"He couldn't make it. He's at the studio until seven." He claps his hands together and rubs them. "What's for dinner?" 

He sees the looks his parents share and his mothers slight nod towards the kitchen. "Get yourself a drink. We'll be right back."

He wonders what his parents are up to. His mother is always planning something. He walks over and grabs a water, waiting for wine at dinner. He settles on the side chair and waits for his parents.

"Well, we were hoping Kris would be with you," his mother starts. She looks over at his father. 

"We wanted to tell you both together," he says.

Adam takes a drink of water. All the studio work is wreaking havoc on his throat. Before he knows it, he's drunk half the bottle. 

"Tell us what?" he prompts when they both go quiet.

His father sighs and takes a seat on the couch along with his mother. 

"Guys, what's up? You going on a second honeymoon or something?" he teases. 

Recently, they've been talking about renewing their wedding vows. He watches his father put an arm around her as if to comfort her. He gets a sense of doom when his mother starts crying. 

"What's going on?" he asks in a strained voice. 

"There's no easy way to tell you. We were hoping Kris would be here with you." His father takes a deep breath and Adam steels himself for whatever he's going to say. "I've been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer," his father says in a strangely calm voice. “It’s stage 4.”

Adam stares at his father, then looks to his mother. “What?” It’s like he’s in a fog. Words are being spoken, things he knows he should be listening to but his mind isn’t cooperating. 

“Not long.” “Need to make plans.” 

He hears them but he doesn’t comprehend them, and he refuses to believe it. 

“We’ll get a second opinion.” He says somewhat angrily.

“Adam, son,” his father says, his calm voice betraying the turmoil in his eyes. “I’ve already had a second opinion. There’s nothing they can do.”

Adam stares at his father and he knows he’s not dreaming. Adam’s bottom lip quivers and he loses sight of his father as his eyes fill with tears. “Dad, no,” he stammers, his voice shaking with emotion.

His father doesn’t answer. Instead he comes over, kneels down and takes Adam in his arms. It’s a long time before Adam lets him go.

 

* * *

Kris gets home and walks into the kitchen.. He's starving. Knowing Leila, Adam will be bringing home a plate of leftovers. He grabs an apple and the peeler before sitting on the bar stool. He's humming the song he wrote, peeling away when he hears the garage signaling Adam's arrival. He's smiling, thinking of Adam’s reaction to the song. 

“Hey babe,” he says when he hears the door. “How was dinner?” He looks up at Adam’s face and immediately goes to him. Something’s very wrong. “What’s the matter?”

Adam collapses on him, and Kris starts to panic. He rubs Adam’s back and whispers soothing words to him all the while wondering what happened to make Adam break down like this. He manages to get Adam to a chair and quickly gets a bottle of water. 

“Drink this,” he says. He waits until Adam’s compliea before he straddles his lap. He pushes Adam’s head down to his chest and massages his scalp. “What’s the matter?” he asks quietly.

It takes Adam almost ten minutes before he can get the words out. 

“My dad’s dying.”

“What?” Kris’s stomach drops.

“Pancreatic cancer. Last stage. He said there’s nothing they can do.” Kris hears the hitch in Adam’s voice and it kills him. “It’s my Dad, you know. He’s always had my back. Even when I was scared shitless when he found me looking at gay porn, he never judged me. What am I going to do without him?” 

Kris doesn’t have an answer. His own heart and mind are trying to cope with the news. He wants to crawl into bed and cry himself to sleep but he needs to stay strong. Adam needs him. 

“We’ll get him the best medical care.” Kris doesn’t know what to say but he wants to reassure Adam somehow. “He won’t suffer.”

He feels Adam nod against him. 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there with you,” Kris whispers. He can feel Adam’s arms squeeze him tighter. “Let’s take a hot shower and get into bed.”

“I’m scared.”

Kris swallows and hugs Adam tighter. “I know baby. I know.”

* * *

Adam spends as much time as he can with his father over the next few days and weeks. He rescheduled his writing sessions. Music can wait. His father can’t. They go for walks on the beach, sometimes alone and sometimes as a family with Leila and Neil. Adam tells him how much his support and love has meant to him throughout his whole life. They have a big party and invite all his Dad’s friends and it’s wonderful but bittersweet. They spend hours talking about everything and nothing.

The worst part is watching the disease slowly take his father away. The pamphlets explain in great detail what the disease does to the body, but seeing his once proud, strong father, wither away slowly, losing more strength day by day, is something nobody can prepare you for. They don’t prepare you for the day you will see your father confined to a hospital bed, a weakened shell of the man he once was.

“I love you Dad,” he says one night before he leaves. 

Adam leans over the bed and gives his father a kiss and a hug. They both know there isn’t much time left. Adam thought they would have months and instead of weeks. Even though he’s had time, he’s not ready for the final goodbye.

“I love you too son. I’m very proud of you, of everything you’ve accomplished, but mostly for the man that you’ve become.” 

That night he fucks Kris like he’s never done before, seeking something he can’t name. He’s rough, rides him hard, and after, when they’re covered in sweat trying to catch their breath, he feels worse, not better. He knows he owes Kris an apology but all that comes out is a sob. Instead of saying he’s sorry, he curls into Kris and begs for comfort. Kris doesn’t say anything. He lets Adam cry while stroking his back until he quiets.

“Are you okay?” Adam finally asks, bracing for the answer.

“I’m more worried about you.”

Adam was never a coward and he refuses to be one now. He lifts his head and looks at Kris. “Don’t lie. Did I hurt you?”

Kris’ eyes soften and Adam closes his when Kris softly kisses him. “No, you didn’t hurt me.” He doesn’t say anything else but Adam doesn’t need him to. 

“I love you,” Adam tells him, fresh tears leaking out. He kisses Kris, sighing when Kris opens his mouth, humming when he feels Kris’ tongue against his own.

“I love you too,” Kris says afterwards.

They shower together and change the sheets, all in near silence. Adam’s phone rings and he quickly grabs it off the nightstand.

“Adam,” he hears his mother crying and Adam already knows his father is gone. 

* * *

Two weeks later he’s back in the recording studio. Adam puts in writing the fear of wondering everyday if that would be the day his phone would ring, the regrets of unanswered phone calls, the time he let slip away. He also writes about how the illness has pulled their family together. He’s never felt closer to his mother or his brother.

He doesn’t grant interviews even though everyone calls. What he’s been through is no different than families all over America. Right now he’s a son who lost a father and he’s coping the best way he knows how – by throwing himself into his work. Almost three months after his fathers’ death, he plays his songs for Kris. They’re sitting on the floor, a bottle of wine opened between them, listening to the music.

“They’re really personal, and honest. I think they’re the best work you’ve ever done,” Kris says after the last song is played.

“Are they too much?”

“No. They’re perfect.” Kris says, giving Adam a smile. 

Adam looks at Kris and thinks back on these long months. Never once did Kris press for anything. He gave Adam the room he needed, and more importantly, let him grieve in his own way. Suddenly, he wants to take Kris away, just the two of them and give him the attention he hasn’t given him recently. 

 

“Let’s go away together,” He says and he can tell he’s surprised him.

“I’d love to,” Kris beams. “When?”

“As soon as possible. I have this urge to show my boyfriend how much I love him.”

He laughs when Kris crawls over to him, straddling his legs. His hands roam Kris’ back while they kiss. 

“You can show me right now. If you’re up for it,” Kris murmurs rocking their hips together. He pulls on Adam’s bottom lip with his teeth and Adam groans when Kris rocks again. “Hmmm,” Kris says against his neck, “I think you are up for it.”

It’s been a long time since Adam’s felt like himself, but Kris teasing him like this is so much like the old times Adam let’s the hurt go away. He flips them over, spilling his wine on the floor. Kris laughs and Adam looks down into the face that means the world to him. He smiles, a genuine smile, not the plastic one he’s been wearing for weeks.

“I’m always up for it,” Adam says, placing Kris’s hand on his groin. The glint in Kris’ eyes makes Adam smile wider.

“You spilled the wine,” Kris says, but his voice has gone soft and his hand is pulling Adam’s head down.

“Who cares,” Adam whispers against Kris’s lips. 

The sound of Adam’s phone startles them both. The ringtone tells them it’s Adam’s mother. He hasn’t missed a call from either of his parents since the night they told him about the cancer. 

“Answer it,” Kris says softly. “I promise to stay warm for you,” he says with a smile and Adam is laughing when he answers the phone.

“Adam,” he hears his mother, in near hysterics, and Adam braces for whatever she’s about to tell him.

“It’s Neil. He’s had an accident,” she says and he listens to the rest of her words. Everything is words now, just like the day he found out about his father. Words without meaning because his mind has turned off, refusing to believe the words she’s telling him.

Adam collapses to the floor next to Kris, the phone landing between them. He can hear his mother’s voice calling to him. “Adam, Adam,” she yells. 

Neil can’t be dead. It must be a mistake or a horrible nightmare. He can hear Kris talking to his mother, Kris’ voice whispering how sorry he is and asking what he needs to do. He feels Kris’ hands on his face, forcing him to look. When he sees the devastation in those brown eyes, he knows it’s true.

* * *

Kris has no idea what to say or do for Adam. He’s gotten advice from his parents, his brother, friends, but when Adam looks at him and Kris sees the blankness in his eyes, his tongue gets thick and his mind goes blank. Instead, he holds him at night, gives his body up to Adam for him to use however he wants, and tells him over and over how much he loves him. He hopes the words give him comfort. If nothing else they give Kris comfort when he says it.

The scariest thing for Kris is knowing Adam hasn’t cried. It bothers him that Adam is keeping everything inside and not letting it out. He tells Adam it’s normal when the subject comes up, and maybe it is, but it still worries him. Adam has always been the type to show his emotions on his sleeve. If he’s happy, it shows. If he’s mad, it shows. But now, nothing shows, and that terrifies Kris.

”Hi Leila. How are you?” He asks as he walks into her home. He kisses her cheek and gives her a hug.

“Not good. How are you?” She asks and Kris shrugs his shoulder without answering.

“How’s Adam?”

“He’s hanging in there,” he says, half lying. He doesn’t want her to worry anymore than she already is. She looks over at Adam and then at Kris.

“Liar.”

Kris swallows and forces the words out of his mouth, “He’ll be okay,” he says and he prays he isn’t lying to her again.

* * *

Adam avoids looking at the coffin in front of him. He still can’t believe his baby brother is dead. He knew Neil should never have bought that motorcycle. It was reckless and stupid. But Neil was stubborn as a mule, and no amount of pleading was going to get him to give it up.

“Can I get you something?” Kris asks. 

“No thanks,” Adam answers matter-of-factly. All he can think is another one of his family members is gone. All he has left is his mother. And Kris, but that’s different. 

It feels like the room is closing in on him so he excuses himself. He locks the door to the restroom and bangs his head against it, over and over. He doesn’t want to be here. He wants to be back on the floor, with Kris, joking and laughing and planning a vacation. 

Adam splashes cold water on his face and blots it dry. He hasn’t cried. Kris said it’s because he’s in shock but Adam wonders if he has any tears left to cry. He’s numb. He thought he was done grieving. He thought he could live again, leaving the pain behind him. Then came the call. He takes the phone out of his pocket and throws it against the wall. Watching it break into pieces doesn’t help.

This is worse than his father. Death from an illness is easier on the ones left behind. There are no regrets, no wishing you could say one last thing. A sudden death leaves the grieving wishing for one last moment to say “I love you” or “I’m sorry” or a million other things that don’t get said because you think there will be time to say them. 

He and Neil became really close, first from his Idol journey and then through his father’s cancer, but that doesn’t stop his mind from thinking about every fight they had, or all the curse words they threw at each other. Kris tried to tell him that he’ll remember the good times too but what does Kris know about what he’s going through. He still has his entire family. 

Adam sighs and tells himself that Neil would not want him feeling sorry for himself. He walks over and picks up his phone and thinks of all the pictures of the two of them he had stored on it. If only he had downloaded them to his computer like he kept talking about. Another regret for him to live with.

He finally leaves the bathroom and spots Kris with his mother, comforting her. Thank God for Kris. He’s been Adam’s rock. He feels better when Kris rubs his back and whispers words of love to him. He doesn’t feel as hollow. He wishes he knew how to tell him that. He hopes Kris can see it when he looks at him, or feel it when he touches him.

His eyes meets Kris’. There’s turmoil in them and so much more that he can’t name. Kris looks like the lost boy Adam feels like he is and it triggers something inside him. He walks over to where they are standing and reaches down to hold his hand. He kisses him on the temple and hopes Kris understands it’s his way of telling him he needs him. Kris squeezes his hand and Adam grips it tighter. Their joined hands serve as a lifeline for both of them.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam deals with yet another loss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Old LJ fic I'm posting here by request.

Kris told Lane to hold all requests for Adam’s time. Kris is taking him on the vacation they talked about a month ago. He has a feeling Adam needs it and lord knows Kris does. Adam hasn’t been back to work yet, something that has Kris a little concerned. Music was a big part of the grieving process for Eber. He knows Adam’s been spending lots of time with Leila, and he doesn’t blame him. If Kris were in his shoes, he’d do the same thing. However, the lack of studio time is more than bothersome. Maybe some time away will help.

He grabs Adam’s suitcase and starts to pack it knowing Adam will probably be pissed with what he does and doesn’t bring. At this point, he’ll happily go shopping and carry all of Adam’s bags for him. He’d do anything to hear him laugh again, even just once. It’s been too long.

Kris puts the last of the bags next to the door when Adam walks in. 

"Hey, what's all this?" 

"I'm taking you on a little trip," Kris says with a smile, 

Adam walks over to wear Kris is standing and cups his face. "You are huh?"

Kris looks into Adam's eyes and nods, the power of speech stolen from him like it always is when Adam's gaze is centered only on him. Adam leans down and kisses him - long, slow and sweet. Exactly how he likes it. 

"Mexico?" and Kris nods and lays his head in the place that was made for him. He sighs deeply and closes his eyes.

"Did you pack my swim trunks?" Kris nods again. "The ugly ones?" Adam teases and Kris chuckles. 

"No. The new black ones."

Adam takes Kris's chin in his fingers and pulls his head up. "When do we leave?"

"Now."

Adam kisses him again, a kiss that curls his toes and has him clinging afterwards. 

"We won't be wearing clothes very much while we're there." Adam whispers in his ear.

"Thank God," Kris says loudly, his voice filled with relief. Adam looks at him and starts laughing. Kris hugs him tight, fighting the urge to cry. All because he made Adam laugh.

* * * 

It's been a wonderful first few days. Getting away was exactly what they needed. They're spooning like they always do before bed, with Kris wrapped in Adam's arms, their hair still slightly damp from their shared shower.

"My mother said I was smothering her and probably you." Adam bites on Kris's neck when he doesn't say anything. "Was I?" 

Lately, wherever Kris went Adam went. He never wanted to let Kris out of his sight. He was terrified something bad would happen. He did the same thing to his mother until she put her foot down.

Kris sighs and admits, "Maybe a little." 

Adam rolls him over. "You should have said something." 

Adam stares into those gorgeous brown eyes. "I didn't know how," comes the soft reply.

It hurts Adam to hear Kris say those words. They've always been completely honest with each other , always able to talk about anything. 

"What were you afraid of?"

Kris pushes Adam onto his back and lays his head on his chest. He rubs his hand over Adam's stomach before wrapping it around his waist. "I didn't want to hurt you anymore than you were already hurting. I figured you'd work through it in your own time." 

Adam holds Kris close, his hands running through his hands. He's not sure what to say. A lot of people have tried to push him into talking about his feelings but Kris hasn't pushed him. Not once. "I love you."

"I love you too." Kris places a kiss in the middle of his chest. "We only have two days left. I think we should make the most of it."

Adam chuckles when Kris' hand sneaks under the sheet. "I think so too."

* * *

Two months after Neil's death Adam sets up his first studio appointment. He's a little nervous. It's the longest he's gone without singing. He looks down at his journal and wonders what kinds of songs he'll get from all this pain but he's looking forward to finding out.

He's finally feeling like himself, like maybe the worst is behind him. He has Kris, his mother, his friends, and a whole life ahead of him. Neither his father nor Neil would want him to live in the past. They'd want him to live his life to the fullest. 

He's about to turn on the news when he hears a car outside. He gets to the door right when Kris opens it. 

"Hey baby," but the surprise in his voice gets lost when he sees the wildness in Kris's eyes. "What's wrong?" he forces out.

Kris sobs and throws himself at Adam, holding on for dear life and Adam begins to panic. It's bad. He knows it in his gut. He takes a deep breath and prepares himself for the news. "Who?" he asks instead. 

Kris cries harder and clings to him, murmuring over and over again how sorry he was. "It's your mother."

* * *

Kris listens along with Adam while the emergency room doctor describes the stroke that has taken his mother's soul. Adam holds her lifeless hand while the the doctor explains the next steps. There isn't any hope and only the machines are keeping her alive. It's up to Adam to make a painful decision. Kris thanks him and shuts the door behind him. He has no idea what to say to Adam. 

"How much more am I supposed to take?" Adam's quiet but firm voice stops Kris in mid step.

"I'm sorry..."

"Stop! Stop telling me you're sorry! Everyone tells me that. I don't need it from you too." 

Adam leans over and kisses his mother's cheek, a tear falling from the corner of his eye. He fixes her hair and sits back down. 

"Kris," he begins to apologize. He feels Kris's hands come around his shoulders to hug him. 

"Shhhh," Kris says while he comforts him. "What do you need me to do?"

"Can you hold her other hand? And, and stay with me? I don't want to be alone."

Adam's voice shakes and he squeezes his Mom's hand tighter looking for support from someone who can't give it to him. He watches Kris sit on the other side of the bed and give Adam a smile before he starts reciting the story of when he first met her. Kris talks, and talks, and more importantly let's Adam alternate from speaking and listening. Doctors and nurses enter and leave throughout the night but Adam and Kris stay. 

"Adam," Kris says with a wealth of emotion in his voice.

"I know. It's time."

Adam stands and calls the doctor in, giving him the instructions to end the life support. His mother is gone, there isn't anything they can do for her and Adam is not going to prolong her suffering to make him feel better. This is about her, her life, her dignity. She deserves to pass with that intact. 

Adam sits with her, talking to her with hope that she hears him. It doesn't hit Adam until she takes her last breath that he has no family left. 

He kisses her cheek before leaving the room without looking back.

* * *

The media frenzy outside their house is a nightmare. Adam stares at them, hating them with each passing day. He spends his days in the house, refusing to leave, barely doing anything more but stare at the walls, wondering what he ever did to be punished in such a horrid way. 

His salvage is his journal. Horrid, painful thoughts come flying out through his pen but they don't make him feel better. Nothing makes him feel better. And as the days turn into weeks with no relief in sight and the pain still strong in his heart, Adam begins to think he'll never be normal again.

* * *

Adam seemed to be coping as well as he could after Eber’s death, but then came Neil’s unexpected passing and Kris could see him pulling away. Even Leila couldn’t get through to Adam. The final straw was Leila’s death. Kris has watched Adam retreat further and further away from him and all his friends. They’ve all talked about different things to do to get through to him but nothings worked. Adam walks around like a zombie, only speaking when spoken to. He’s closed himself off emotionally from everyone who loves him. At first Kris thought it was the normal grieving process. Now, after four months, he’s beyond worrying.

Kris decides he needs to do something drastic to get his attention. He’s performing tonight and, after much begging, managed to convince Adam to tag along. Another thing that has him worried is that Adam hasn’t sung a note since Leila’s death. In fact, he rarely listens to music. Instead he spends all his time writing in a journal. Kris isn’t sure if he’s writing songs or just his thoughts but he’s glad Adam has some kind of outlet for whatever emotions are running through him. He can’t fathom losing his entire family, never mind within the span of eighteen months. He’d probably want to crawl into a hole and die. Part of his fear is that Adam’s thought that too.

He runs through his show, joking with the audience but inwardly concerned about his encore song. He sits in front of the piano and there’s a hush over the crowd. Kris doesn’t explain why he’s picked the song he has. He’s sure the audience will understand. He only hopes Adam gets it too. His fingers hit the keys and he closes his eyes and sings.

Oh, why you look so sad?  
Tears are in your eyes  
Come on and come to me now  
Don't be ashamed to cry  
Let me see you through  
'Cause I've seen the dark side too

When the night falls on you  
You don't know what to do  
Nothin' you confess, could make me love you less

I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you  
Won't let nobody hurt you  
I'll stand by you

Kris can feel the emotion clogging his throat as he sings the song. He doesn’t hear anything, doesn’t see anything, too focused on the words and what they mean to him. He finishes the song, hangs his head and takes a deep breath to gather his emotions. He blinks and looks at the crowd to find them sitting, completely stunned. Then one person claps, and another and before long they erupt into a wild standing ovation. He bows politely but doesn’t linger.

He didn’t sing it to impress them. He didn’t sing it for himself. He sang it for Adam.

* * *

Adam walks back to the dressing room before Kris starts the second verse. He knows what Kris is trying to do, what everyone is trying to do. He doesn’t need to “discuss” his feelings. Why bother? Nobody understands. How do you explain the giant void left inside when the universe decided to rip out your heart and stomp on it?

How do you tell people that you spend every moment bracing yourself for the next phone call? That’s Adam’s life now; waiting and wondering which person will be ruthlessly snatched from his life.

There are times something reminds him of his losses and it’s like his world crumbles again. His brain goes into what he’s labeled “movie mode”. It’s memory after memory of his family over the years. He sometimes lays in bed, begging them to stop, the pain of remembering too overwhelming. But they don’t. They continue and he hardens himself a little more for their next appearance.

He knows he’s changed but he wishes those around him would know it’s his way to survive.

He’s sitting on the couch, willing the pictures in his head to stop, when Kris walks in. He watches Kris lick his lips and look at him nervously. He remembers when Neil would bite his bottom lip when he was nervous. Or the way his mother would tuck her hair behind her ear. Or how his dad would rub his chest.

Every little thing reminds him of them.

“Did you hear it?” Kris asks.

“Yes. You were really good,” Adam responds automatically.

“But did you get it?” Kris presses.

Adam doesn’t want to get into this here. He runs his hands through his hair and stands up. “Since you’re eager to talk, let’s at least do it at home.”

He watches Kris nod slowly and gather his things, carefully avoiding looking at Adam. They walk on eggshells around each other now. There’s a gulf between them, filled with unspoken thoughts - thoughts needing to be said but neither knowing how to begin.

They drive back to the house in quiet, the gulf getting bigger with each passing moment. Adam drops his keys on the table when they arrive home.

“Adam talk to me,” Kris pleads. The longer Adam holds everything inside, the worse it will be when he breaks.

“What do you want me to say Kris?”

“Something. Anything. You keep yourself closed off from everyone now. Even me,” Kris can feel his eyes start to fill. All the bottled emotions from the last few months threatening to burst out of him.

“That’s not true,” Adam replies flatly, crossing his arms over his chest.

“When’s the last time you talked to me about your feelings. You can’t keep it inside. It’s not healthy.”

"I don’t feel like discussing every little thing all the damn time.” Adam says defensively. He paces the floor. “Everyone looks at me like I’m some kind of freak. The fans, the media, you – you’re all waiting for Adam to explode.”

“I am not. Besides, that isn’t what I mean.” How does he get Adam to understand?

“Then what do you mean Kris. You’ll need to spell it out because I’m really not in the mood for games.” He leans against the wall and looks at Kris who’s still standing by the door.

“When’s the last time you let anyone hug you? Or kiss you?” Kris can feel a tear fall from the corner of his eye. He can barely see Adam from through the wetness.

“I hug people. I kiss you all the time.” Adam looks away from Kris’s face but Kris sees the flash of guilt that crosses his eyes.

“No you don’t. Not really. You go through the motions but there’s no feeling behind it.”

More tears fall and, before, they would always hold each other when one was upset. Now, Adam stands across the room, detached from the conversation - hearing but not listening. It’s another reminder of how things have changed.

“I go to kiss you but you turn your cheek.” The tears are streaming now but Kris can’t stop. “I stay up long after you’ve fallen asleep just so I can hold you because you rarely let me any other time.” 

Adam sees Kris’s chin shaking, and there’s a part that wants to reassure him everything will be all right, but he doesn’t move because he's not sure what the future holds.

“You’re this shell. You’re here physically but not emotionally.”

Adam hardens himself against what he’s seeing and hearing. He knows Kris isn’t wrong but he’s not ready to open his heart again. It's too painful when you lose them.

“You’re still here Adam. You’re still alive and your family would want you to be happy. They wouldn’t want you to stop living.” Kris is openly weeping now. “You didn’t die,” Kris whispers. He swipes his hand across his running nose, his shoulders shaking with each new sob.

He starts walking to Adam, needing to touch him. Adam steps away from the wall and Kris thinks he’s finally gotten through to him. But the words he hears stops him in his tracks.

“Maybe I should have.”

He watches Adam’s retreating back before falling to the floor, hugging his knees to his chest, praying to God that Adam didn’t mean what he said.

* * *

Adam sits on the edge of the bed, playing with the leather bracelet Kris gave him for his birthday last year. He shouldn’t have said that. All it did was hurt Kris, even if there are times he does believe it. He pulls at his hair, wishing he wasn’t in agony all the time, wishing he wasn’t causing everyone around him to hurt.

He stands up and walks back to the hall and stops cold when he sees Kris curled up in a fetal position on the floor. He steals himself from the onslaught of guilt and goes to him. He kneels down and runs his hands over the brown hair.

“Kris, honey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it,” he says softly.

Soaking wet, brown eyes look up at him and there’s so much pain in them his heart would break in two if it wasn’t already broken.

“Come to bed,” Adam says just as softly.

Kris doesn’t get up. Instead he crawls to him and holds him tight. Adam swallows hard. “I love you,” he says into Kris’s ear. He does love him, even if he doesn’t quite know how to show it anymore. Even if that love is buried underneath the sorrow, it’s still there.

Kris sobs against Adam’s neck, not saying anything.

Adam doesn’t know what to say to that so he keeps quiet. He rubs Kris’s back until he calms down.

He stands up and takes Kris’s hand and they walk to their bedroom. He helps Kris undress and he tucks him into bed. He undresses and crawls in next to him, and for the first time in a long time, he pulls Kris to his side. He sighs and kisses the top of his head.

“I think I should go away for a little bit. To some place that doesn’t have any reminders. I’m hurting you, and everyone else.”

“I don’t want you to go,” Kris says and he squeezes Adam tight.

“Everything I see triggers a memory,” Adam says in a near whisper. It's the most he's opened up to anyone. 

Kris stays quiet and Adam keeps talking. “It won’t be for long. Just until I can come back here and not stress out waiting for the next time my mind decides to take a trip down memory lane.”

“Will you come back?” Kris asks so quietly Adam almost doesn’t hear him.

“Will you wait for me?” Adam asks in response.

There’s no answer from either of them, instead Kris leans in to kiss Adam and Adam doesn’t turn his face. He needs this tonight. He knows Kris does too. There’s a desperation in their movements, in the way their hands grab at each other. It’s rough and wild, this mating. Kris is using his body to show Adam how much he means to him, and Adam is trying to give Kris what he needs, but knowing he’s failing, because even during sex, Adam’s heart and mind isn’t completely there.

* * *

A few days later they pack Adam’s bag together. As much as Kris doesn’t want Adam to go, he knows they can’t stay on this course. They’ll end up resenting each other and Adam will end up more alone than he already is. He’s thought a lot about this and decided it might be good for Adam to get away from everything. It’s obvious Kris has no clue how to help him, or reach him, and if being away helps Adam find some peace, then Kris will suck up the pain because all he wants is for Adam to have some balance back in his life.

“I’ll call you when I get there,” Adam says, zipping up his bag.

“Okay,” Kris says, stuffing his hands in his front pockets.

He looks down at the toe of his shoe. He should get a new pair. The sneakers are worn down but they’re comfortable and he hates breaking in new shoes. He’s startled when he feels Adam’s hand under his chin, pulling his head up. Kris blinks and looks into the saddest pair of blue eyes he’s ever seen. He would do anything to see them sparkle once more, to see them light up with laughter. He’d give his life to return Adam to the way he used to be – carefree and happy. But those days were stolen from him. From both of them.

“I love you Kris. Very much,” Adam says sadly.

“I know. I love you too,” Kris whispers, the remaining pieces of his heart shattering.

“I’ll be back. I just need a little bit of time.”

Kris swallows past the lump of emotions swelling in his throat. He nods and steps into Adam’s arms. He inhales deeply, taking one last memory before Adam leaves. “I’ll be waiting,” he says softly, doubting Adam’s words that he’ll be back, but knowing he’ll wait forever. He feels Adam’s arms squeeze him tight.

They kiss and he watches Adam leave, wondering if that’s the last kiss they’ll ever share, trying to convince himself it won't be. He climbs back into bed and hugs Adam’s pillow. Then he cries himself to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam hits rock bottom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An old fic I'm moving from LJ to here.

Kris looks at the clock and that at his phone. Adam was supposed to call him an hour ago. He stares at the phone again, as if that will show a missed message but, of course, it doesn't. Adam's never missed a call in the week he's been gone. Kris decides to take matters into his own hands.

"Hey," he says when Adam answers.

"Hi."

"How was your day?" Kris sits on the stool, kicking his leg back and forth. What he really wants to ask is 'how are you?', 'do you miss me?', 'are we going to survive?'. 

These are the questions that keep Kris up at night. 

He's dying to say, 'I need a hug', 'can you come home?', 'i miss you so much.' But he doesn't want to pressure Adam so he let's Adam lead the conversations.

Adam tells him about the little cafe he found overlooking the water. Adam tells him how he spent all afternoon writing in his journal. He apologizes for missing their call. 

He sounds exactly like the hollow Adam that left. 

"What did you write about?" Kris isn't sure why he asked the question because he knows Adam won't tell him. "Sorry, you don't have to tell me. It's personal I know."

There's a pause and Kris closes his eyes, wishing he had Adam's arms around him telling him everything will be all right. Even if it might be a lie.

"I can read it to you," Adam's soft voice comes over the line and for a minute Kris thought he misunderstood.

"I'd like that. if you want to share," Kris says cautiously.

Adam shares. It takes everything in Kris not to fall apart as he listens to the tale of sorrow and loss. It rips his heart out to hear the graphic pain Adam's in. He's known it but it's the first time Adam's opened up at all since Leila's death. Knowing it and hearing it are two different things.

Adam finishes his story and moves on to what he had for dinner and the weather - their normal conversation.

"Can I read to you again?" Adam asks before they hang up. 

Kris doesn't want him to. It hurts. So much. But the pain of hearing it cannot compare to the pain of living it. 

"Absolutely."

* * *

It's been three weeks of wandering the streets in this little town in France. He's not staying at a five star hotel, nor are there any fancy restaurants, but it's exactly what Adam needs. It's quiet, and nobody seems to know him, or if they do they leave him alone. His favorite place is the outdoor cafe he told Kris about a couple weeks ago. He sits outside and writes. And writes some more. Sometimes his hand is cramped when he puts the pen down, and debates if it's helping but he can't seem to stop. Kris seems to think it helps, even if Adam doesn't. 

The thoughts of Kris make him realize he hasn't talked to him yet today so he picks up the phone.

"Hi," he says as a greeting.

"Hey sweetie. What are you doing?"

This helps. Talking to Kris without having to look at him. He doesn't feel like he has to hide if his eyes are sad. "Same thing I do everyday. Sitting in the cafe. Writing."

"Read it to me." 

It's not something they could do if they were together in person. He'd be too worried about seeing hurt in Kris's eyes because what he writes is hard and difficult. Even as close as they are - were - Adam could never do this in person. He'd feel too exposed. Sometimes Kris comments and sometimes he doesn't. He never makes Adam feel guilty about anything he's written and Adam is eternally grateful. He's not sure he can live with any more guilt. 

"It's a bad one," Adam tries to cushion the blow. "It's been a rough day."

"Did something happen?" Kris asks with more patience than Adam would ever have.

"No. Just a day when the memories don't stop."

"I'm sorry baby."

Adam doesn't get mad when he hears it this time. He knows Kris means it and it's not something he says to try to make him feel better. 

"Are you sure you want to hear it?" Adam asks, bringing them back to the topic of the journal.

"Yes. We're a team after all."

Adam smiles softly, something he knows he does a little more frequently when he's talking to him. "Yes, we are. Okay. Here goes..."

I don't want to get out of bed. Not sure I ever do. I want to pull the covers up until it's the next day but that's the problem. There's always a tomorrow. I wonder if tomorrow will be as painful as today. Sometimes I don't think it's possible to feel any worse, but then it happens and I'm brought back to the day my mother died. Today's memories belong to my mother. The flowers on the dresser remind me of her. She'd always have some on the dining room table. The lacy curtains, the birds chirping. I wish I could see her face again. Just once. I close my eyes and it's there, lifeless, sad. That's not what I want to remember. Because then I remember that I'm the one that ended her life. I know she wasn't really alive but it was me that gave the okay for her to take her final breath.

I'm not sure how to live with myself for that.

Adam continues reading while Kris listens. Even if the writing doesn't help, reading it to Kris does. He doesn't feel so alone. 

"It will get better baby," Kris tells him softly. "You'll be able to smile at the good memories too."

Kris keeps telling him that, but after all these months it hasn't happened and he's beginning to wonder if it ever will

Adam makes a non-committal sound before they quickly gloss over what Kris is up to before going back to Adam's plans for the day. He does the same thing every single day.

"I miss you," Adam says at the end of their call. He's probably a bastard for not saying it all the time but he has a feeling Kris understands. 

"I miss you too. I love you."

Adam watches the small waves crash on the rocks, the silence on the phone stretching out. He doesn't say the words back. He's afraid to. Afraid he'll open himself up to more heartbreak. He feels awkward because it's not like he doesn't love him. Kris knows he loves him. But it would almost be like saying the words for the first time. He's not ready to let himself be vulnerable. Not yet.

* * *

Kris looks at the phone in his hand and smiles. Maybe Adam doesn't believe it but he's making progress. The fact that he reads his journal to Kris is huge. His mind thinks over what Adam read to him today and he cries. He cries for all the pain Adam's going through. He cries for his own pain. Leila was like a mother to him and he misses her terribly. At least he can talk about his suffering with his own parents, his brother. Sure Adam has him and his friends, but is it ever the same as having your family? Kris doesn't think so. He can't imagine going through what Adam's had to go through.

But today, he feels better. Adam told him he missed him. That has Kris crying all over again. He knows it's only a matter of time before Adam says he loves him. He can count on one hand the number of times Adam's said those words to him since Leila died. Kris has no doubt he does, no matter how long Adam goes without saying the words. 

He'll never tell this to Adam but he misses hearing them. 

* * *

Adam sits in his room the following night listening to his IPod, watching the rain fall outside. It's gloomy which suits his mood. He climbs into bed thinking about Kris and wondering if the songs are coming along. He makes a mental note to ask him. They don't talk enough about what Kris is doing. 

His heart stops when he hears the next song that comes on. He forgot it's on here. How could he forget? All it took was the opening notes to throw him back to his childhood. All kinds of memories flood him, overwhelming his heart and mind. He holds back a sob as one particular bitter sweet memory comes to his mind. This song is depressing, sad and he never understood why his mother loved it so much. She always said it was about hope. But as he listens to the words and sees his family through the years, he's not hopeful. He's more depressed than he's ever been. He gulps back a sob. He's scared because he knows he won't be able to stop it this time. He wasn't prepared for it. There was no warning. It snuck up on him. 

As the song plays in his mind, he sobs uncontrollably, turning to bury his face in the pillow, pulling his legs into him. Willing the pain will go away somehow, yet knowing it won't. It's not long before he's overcome from the emotions he's held back for so long. 

His eyes open a few hours while later and he wildly looks around the room. His body is drenched in sweat, his face soaked from the tears that won't stop falling. He needs to escape but he knows there isn't one. There will never be one. He sees the unopened vodka bottle and the sleeping pills. He stares long and hard at them before wiping his face with his sleeve. He can feel their pull, calling to him, telling him how easy it will be and promising him there won't be any more pain. 

He takes a deep, shuddering breath before standing up to walk over to them. 

* * *

Kris looks down at the unfamiliar number on his phone. 

"Hello?" he answers.

"Kris," Adam cries out. "Talk to me. About anything. Just talk." Adam's panicked voice comes through the line.

Kris's heart drops to his feet. He knows Adam's hit bottom. He can hear it in his voice that he's been crying. His voice sounds raw, unlike anything Kris has ever heard. It doesn't even sound like that after a concert when he's doing all those vocal acrobats. 

But what really makes him nervous is how desperate Adam sounds. 

Kris talks. About the work in the studio. About how he cut himself shaving. About how the trash bag broke when he was taking it outside. About a million stupid little things that happen every day. He only pauses to catch his breath before going on to talk about even less important things. Like how the Razorbacks are doing, and baseball which is really stupid because Adam knows nothing about sports but Kris is scrambling for something, anything to keep Adam on the line. 

He has no idea how long he talks but he can sense Adam's calmed down somewhat. He can hear his breathing change into something less erratic. For a minute he thinks Adam fell asleep when his voice comes over the line.

"I need to tell you something," Adam says quietly. 

He sits up on the bed where he was napping when Adam woke him up. He looks at their bed. So many happy memories here. Kris braces himself for the news. He expected it would happen, that Adam would find comfort in the arms of a stranger. He also knew Adam would tell him about it, and he knows it's going to hurt when he hears it. God, it's going to hurt like hell.

"Okay," Kris says shakily when Adam pauses.

"I was listening to my IPod when my mother's song came on. And I couldn't stop crying."

Kris wants to cry listening to him. Adam sounds more lonely than he's ever heard him. 

"Kris, I saw the bottles of alcohol and pills and for a split second I thought about taking them. Taking them all."

Kris gulps down the fear clogging his throat. This is not what he expected. He quickly races to his computer to look up the phone number for suicide prevention. 

"It terrified me. I'm not that person, you know? I'm not one who takes the easy way out. It scared me so much I dumped them down the toilet. I didn't want to see them. Then I called you."

Kris can feel the tears gather in his eyes, and the first stirrings of hope fill his heart. Because as horrible as the story is he really believes Adam will be okay. Adam hit bottom and he called him. His Adam, the old Adam, is in there, and he's fighting. 

"How do you feel now?"

"Better after hearing your voice." 

They're both quiet.

"Kris? Are you still there?" 

"Yes baby. I'm still here. I'll always be here." Kris is mind is going a mile a minute. Whether Adam likes it or not Kris is flying over there. He should never have let him go alone. 

He hears Adam take a deep breath. "Kris. I want to come home."


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam returns home a different person. He makes strides in returning to the public eye.

Adam fastens his seatbelt while the stewardess drones on about flight safety. She's like background noise from a television. He hears but he's not listening. His mind is occupied with thoughts of Kris. He wonders how different things will be when he arrives home. He's nervous about seeing Kris again. He had the biggest wake up call of his life. When he dumped those pills, he chose to live. He's just not sure what life he has waiting for him. 

When the light turns off, signaling passengers can move around, he takes out his journal and opens it to a blank page, his pen hovering. He tunes out everything around him and lets the memories flow. And he writes. But, for once, he writes about the good times. 

A few hours later he puts it away. Remembering, even smiling, at some of the things they did over the years makes him feel closer to them. He doesn't feel so alone anymore. 

He grabs his headphones and listens to his "Kris" playlist and let's his mind drift to thoughts of their life together. It's easy, maybe too easy, for them to be together. It was a struggle at the beginning when they were fighting it, but once they gave in life made sense. As corny as it sounds, they complete each other. 

He can tell Kris anything without fear of being judged. Kris doesn't nag him about his thoughts when he's quiet for a long time. He doesn't get hurt when he tells him a boy is cute. Although there was that one time he got jealous when they were at a club and some twink was hanging all over his arm. Kris got all possessive, and when they got home -well, it turned into one incredible night. 

He loses track of time and before long the fasten seatbelt sign comes on. He looks out the window while his nerves come to life again. Kris is at home waiting for him. He's impatient to see him, a little afraid. The last few months have changed him into a different person than the one Kris fell in love with. What if it's too much for him to handle? 

Adam feels his eyes fill, like they've done frequently in the days since his breakdown. He can't lose Kris on top of everyone else. Life wouldn't be that cruel to him. 

He has someone help him with his bags, a nice advantage of being rich and famous. He puts his sunglasses on, and his hat, hoping that might be a distraction away from the cameras, before he leads the way out. His eyes scan the small crowd in the lobby looking for a person holding his name up, when he does a double take. 

Kris is standing off to the side, looking a little unsure but also happy. Adam walks over to him, oblivious to the camera phones and the whispers of 'is that Adam Lambert?' 

He doesn't stop until he's standing in front of Kris. He doesn't say anything and neither does Kris. Maybe he's as nervous as Adam. Instead of words, he cups Kris's face in his hands and leans down to kiss him. It's soft and sweet and not very long but it's enough. When it's over, he gathers Kris in his arms and sighs.   
"It's good to be home," he whispers. 

He squeezes his eyes shut when he feels Kris hug him tighter. "You aren't there yet." 

Adam lifts his head and smiles down. He feels a wave of love overwhelm him when he looks into those soft brown eyes. "Yes I am." 

* * * 

Kris gives him a bright smile. He takes Adam's hand and gives it a kiss before turning to leave. 

God, he looks good! Tired, and sad but there's a little spark in Adam's eyes that's been missing for a long, long time. 

He freezes when he notices the small group of fans, huddled by the doors, ready with paper and pens out. 

"I'll give our excuses," Kris starts but Adam cuts him off. 

"It's okay." 

Kris turns around so he can see Adam's eyes. "You're sure?" 

There's no hesitation, no flicker in those blue eyes. "Yes. Hell, maybe they don't want my autograph after all this time." 

Kris' heart drops a little. Adam has no idea how much his fans have missed him. If he only knew all the mail and packages waiting at Leila's office for him. Or how many twitter messages they get asking about Adam. 

"I don't think you'll have to worry about that." 

They walk over together and Kris can sense the crowds' restlessness when Adam approaches them. Now is the time the fans would normally scream and yell. Maybe they know what a big step this is for him because there's a calmness over the crowd. 

"Hey guys," Adam says. 

Whenever they were out, Adam always made time to talk to his fans and take pictures. But that was before everything changed. He hasn't done this in over six months. 

There's a hush over the crowd while Adam takes pictures and signs. Even while Kris is talking to them, his senses are trained on Adam. Kris can tell he's a little apprehensive, not quite as approachable as he used to be, but he's there doing it and in Kris's mind, that's a positive step. 

Kris stiffens when he hears one fan's comment. "We're sorry Adam. We know how close you were to your family." 

It's a typical thing someone would say but Kris worries it will bring back a flood of horrible memories for Adam. He glances over expecting to find Adam retreating, instead he finds Adam giving the teenage girl a hug. 

"Thank you. It's not easy but they're here," he taps his chest over his heart. 

He's never been more proud of his man than he is at this moment. 

"Thanks guys. Have a wonderful day," Adam says to them when they leave. 

Kris wants to ask but he refrains. They make their way out the door to the waiting car. 

"I'm okay Kris," Adam says quietly when the car is on it's way to their house. 

Adam always did have a way of knowing what was on Kris's mind. 

Kris lays his head against Adam's arm, his fingers playing with Adam's. His fingernails aren't painted. Kris doesn't remember a time they haven't been. He feels Adam's other fingers under his chin, pulling his face up. 

"I love you." 

Kris is glad Adam was the first to say it. He gets a little teary eyed and whispers back, "I love you too." 

"Aw baby, don't cry. It's going to be okay." 

It's ironic that it's Adam doing the reassuring. That's been Kris's role for a while now. One he's not sure he'd get a passing grade on. 

Kris nods and lifts his lips towards Adam. The kiss starts off like the one in the airport but it isn't long before it turns more heated. 

Kris needs to be closer. He straddles Adam's legs and loses his breath when he looks down into Adam's face. 

Adam's smiling at him. A real smile, not the fake one he was wearing when he left. This smile reaches his eyes. 

Kris lets out a loud noise, half laugh half moan. "God, I've missed you." 

Adam cocks an eyebrow and glides his hands up Kris's back, lifting his shirt along the way. "How much?" he asks huskily. 

Kris bites Adam's bottom lip, right on the freckle that always drives him crazy. "Lots." 

He moans when his tongue slides inside and touches Adams. Then groans when Adam rubs Kris's ass against his groin. Their kiss turns wild - their teeth bite at each other and their tongues stroke wildly. 

"Adam," he pants a while later. He lays his forehead on Adam's shoulder and breathes heavily. 

"Soon baby," Adam promises. 

* * * 

Adam walks into the house and looks around. It looks exactly how he left it. He walks over to the mantle and smiles at the pictures of he and Kris, and Kris's family. 

"I wish I didn't tell you to throw out the pictures of my family," he says when he hears Kris behind him. 

After his mother died, he made Kris remove all the photos of his family and asked him to burn them. They were too painful to look at. It's another regret for him to live with but somehow he'll find a way. He has some digitally but not the early ones. 

"I put them in the closet in one of the guest rooms." 

Adam turns around, surprised by Kris's words. "You did?" 

Kris rubs the back of his neck and looks away. "Yeah. I thought there might be a time you'd want to put them back up." 

Adam's humbled by Kris's thoughtfulness. "Thank you." 

Kris relaxes and smiles at him. "You're welcome. Do you want me to get them?" 

"Later. Right now I want a hot shower." 

"Okay. I'll make us something to eat?" 

Adam scrubs his face and walks to Kris. "I'd rather you join me." 

Kris blinks. "Um, okay." 

"You don't have to." Kris's hands are a little sweaty when he takes them. He thought they were on the same page after the car ride.

"It's just been a while, you know?" Kris avoids looking at Adam. 

"Yes, it has. But it's no longer than when one of us is on tour. So what exactly is this about?" He asks softly. 

He watches Kris open and close his mouth repeatedly as if searching for the right words. "You're different. Than when you left." 

Adam feels different. He can't explain it. Maybe hitting bottom is what he needed. He knows his parents and his brother would not want him to let depression and grief win out. They'd want him to be happy, and although he's not sure that would describe him now, he's hopeful it will describe him at some point in the future. 

"I'm not the same person. Kris, I don't know what the future holds. I don't think I'll ever be like I was before my father's death. But I want you beside me. I love you so much. I don't want to lose you too." 

Kris smiles sadly and shakes his head. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Then what is it ?" Adam waits but Kris doesn't answer. He lifts Kris's chin up. "Please talk to me."

It takes Kris a few more minutes before he says what's on his mind. "Well, before you left, sex became, how do I put it? Mostly I felt like I was a body you went through the motions with. You'd barely kiss me. And, um, I don't think you were there emotionally. You were this stranger." 

Adam would love nothing more than the ability to kick his own ass. He watches Kris' face turn red. He was never very comfortable discussing their sex life. Adam always took great delight in teasing him about it. Now, he feels like shit because of his inability to see past his own hurt to notice the pain Kris was going through.

"You don't seem like a stranger anymore and I'm nervous. You know, like how I was our first time together. It's been a while since I've been with you," he emphasizes the last word and then laughs. "I'm probably not making any sense at all." 

Adam gently slides his hands over Kris's face until he cups his jaw. "I'm sorry. It hurts because I know you're right. It wasn't deliberate." 

"I know. I'm just feeling a little jittery." 

Adam kisses Kris softly. "Like it's our first time?" 

"Yes," Kris sighs. 

Adam kisses him deeper, until Kris is clinging to him and panting his name. 

"Let's go upstairs baby," Adam says in Kris's ear. 

"Okay." 

That night Adam makes sure to tell Kris over and over how much he loves him. He thought he was doing it for Kris but it turns out he was doing it for both of them.

* * * 

Adam's been staring at the computer screen for almost an hour. As much as he's itching to say something, he's afraid of the negativity he knows will be waiting for him.

Adam rubs his hand along Kris's arm when they come around his neck from behind. 

"They'll wait," he says against Adam's neck. He smiles when he feels Kris's lips on his skin.

He's been home for a little over a week and he wonders how he could've pushed Kris away so much that he was afraid to touch Adam like this. Now that he looks back on the last couple of months he was home, he realizes they stopped these casual touches long ago. He's lucky Kris is still with him considering how he treated him. 

They've talked a lot in the time he's been back. He cried when he asked Kris what he was thinking about when Adam called him that fateful night. He didn't expect the answer he received. 

For Adam, that call was his way of telling Kris he wanted to move forward and stop living in the past. 

He broke down when Kris said he spend the first few hours after they hung up sobbing, terrified he would get a call about Adam. He also confessed that he'd been afraid the trip would end their relationship.

"But you let me go."

"I had to. I was already losing you. You needed to find peace. And I had to let you."

"I don't deserve you," Adam had said.

"Probably not, Kris joked. 

Adam's jolted back to the present when Kris removes his arms and sits in the chair next to him.

"They've waited a long time. They'll wait some more. They love you."

He looks at Kris. "What do I say?"

Kris gives him a quick kiss and stands up. "Say what you feel."

Kris walks out the room, leaving Adam staring at the screen. "Say what you feel...." he mumbles.

Hello world. Hope you're listening. It's been a while I know.... I had some stuff to work through but I'm back

He hits the button and types another message....

I hope you understand why I've been gone for so long. Hopefully I'll be in the studio soon. I think I'm ready.

He gives in to his curiosity and reads his at replies. He grins when he sees nothing but words of love and support flooding his screen. He smiles when he sends out his next tweet.

Thanks for the support!!! I love you guys!!!!

"Kris," he yells out, pocketing his phone when he stands.

"Yeah?" Kris answers from the doorway.

"I want to go to the studio with you today. Oh, and I want to stop at my mother's after."

"You're sure?" 

He takes a deep breath. Is he ready? For everything he might find?

"Yes, I'm ready."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam finds his way out of the darkness

Adam walks into his mother's office.  He figures this will be easier than his parents house.  He's surprised by the amount of boxes and mail piled up.   
  
"They're letters from fans," Kris tells him.  "They started arriving after your Dad passed away.  Your mother was keeping them for you to open when you were ready."    
  
Adam picks up a letter from a nearby box and turns it over.  He rips it open and reads about a woman who lost her family in a house fire when she was a child.  She's letting Adam know he isn't alone and that he's loved.    
    
He picks up another one.  This one is from a young fan.  Zach is his name and his mother wrote that he's seven and wanted to draw a picture for him.  It's of a man's face in the sky smiling at a man on the beach.   "His dad died in Iraq.  He wanted you to know that your dad will always be watching out for you just like his daddy is."   Adam hugs Kris and starts to cry.   
  
"Shhh baby," Kris says, stroking his back.  "It's going to be all right."   
  
"I know," he whispers but it doesn't stop the tears from falling or the pain from stabbing him in the heart sometimes.   "Can we stay and read some of them?  Together?"  His voice sounds small, even to his own ears.   
  
"Of course.  Let's order some take out, drink some wine, and read the love from your fans."     
  
That's how Adam spent the night at his mother's office.  It's where she handled his fan mail, and all the other little things she used to do for him.  Like schedule his dry cleaning.  Or make his dentist appointments.  Stuff that an assistant could easily do but as she said "I now get paid to be a mother."   
  
And they open the letters.  Some they share a laugh over.  Like the girl who had cancer who's brother shaved the hair off all her dolls heads so they'd be bald like her.   She sent a doll, with a shaved head, to him for Eber.  That way he wouldn't be bald alone.  They ended up shedding tears when they found the doll.   
  
Some make them angry.  The ones from haters saying it's his own fault for leading a sinful life.   
  
"I should have gone through them first," Kris says after one particularly nasty letter.   
  
"It's fine Kris.  I don't have the energy, nor the desire to waste one more second thinking about the poor bastard who wrote it."   
  
It's two am when they've finished with two boxes.   And Adam is stunned.  He had no idea the amount of support out there.  For him.  From kids, to moms and dads, to grandparents - all wanting to tell him he's loved and thought of.   
  
"I didn't realize.  Why didn't you tell me?" He asks Kris as they lock up.   
  
Kris runs his hands through his hair in a nervous gesture.  "I didn't think you were ready."   
  
"I'm going to come back tomorrow," Adam says when they're seated in the car.    
  
"Babe, I have to be in the studio.  We can come after."   
  
Adam watches the scenery pass by.  "I can go alone.  You can meet me there after if you want."   
  
He turns to look at Kris to ask why he pulled into an empty parking lot but the words get lost in his throat when he sees Kris crying.  When the car stops, he pulls Kris into his arms, the best he can with the console in between them.    
  
"I'm sorry.  It's just.  I miss them too.  So much."  Kris chokes out and Adam hugs him harder.  "And I wasn't sure you would ever get to this point."   
  
"What point?" Adam asks.  He smooths his hand over Kris's hair, in a calming gesture.   Kris was the one comforting him earlier and now, here he is, doing it for him.   
  
"That you could do this. Go through things," he lets his voice trail off.  "I wasn't sure you were ever going to come back to me."  Kris takes a big, shaky breath.    
  
There isn't anything to say.  Adam's here now.  The past is the past and he made the decision to not live there when he boarded the plane to come home.  They sit in the car, in the middle of the night, holding on to each other until Kris calms down.   
  
"Let's go home."   
  
* * *   
  
"How did it feel?"    
  
Kris wanted to go to the studio with Adam.  It's the first time he's been back in one in months.  But, Adam felt it was something he needed to do alone.  He was afraid of what type of lyrics he might come up with and he didn't want to hurt Kris.  Even though he read Kris his journal, it wasn't done face to face.    
  
When Adam got home, he dragged Kris to their room only saying, "I need you," on the way.  That's all Kris had to hear before giving himself over to Adam.  Now, they're lying in bed, tangled in each other's arms, their skin cooling after the wild frenzy from earlier.  Kris reaches over to throw the comforter over them and snuggles closer.   
  
"Honestly.  It felt great.   I should have done that instead of running away."   
  
"You weren't running away," Kris assures him.  
  
"Yes, I was," Adam's voice carries a hint of anger.  "I'm sorry I hurt you.  I'm sorry you thought I was never coming back."   
  
The thing is Kris understood why Adam did what he did.   He may not have agreed with it but he got the reason behind it.  If anything, his leaving probably saved their relationship.   
  
"I think we needed the break."   
  
"Yeah, maybe but I'm sorry I wasn't thinking of what you would be going through."   
  
Kris hugs him and places a kiss on his neck.    
  
"What do you want to do tomorrow?" Kris asks a while later.   
  
"I was thinking we could invite some friends over for a barbeque."   
  
Kris looks up at him.  "Really?  That'd be awesome."   
  
Adam smiles and gives him a kiss before rolling them over.  Kris closes his eyes when Adam threads his hands through his hair.  He always feels cherished when he's in Adam's arms.   And safe.  It's where he belongs.  Where he's always belonged.   
  
"I love you baby."   
  
Kris opens his eyes and he smiles at the man looking at him like he rules the world.  "I love you too."   
  
He pulls Adam's head down and kisses him long and deep.   "Make love to me," he whispers against Adam's lips.    
  
Adam smiles.  "Your wish is my command."   
  
* * *    
  
Adam spends a lot of time cleaning out his Mom's office, and his parents house.  It's difficult but it needs to be done and he needs the closure.  
  
Sometimes Dani or Alisan help out.  Sometimes Cassidy or Brad will.  He's lucky they're still in his life after the way he disappeared on them.  
  
And then there's Kris.  When he comes home after a really bad day -  which he has more often than he likes - Kris is there lighting the dark corners of his heart with a smile or a kiss.  All he has to do is see his face and he instantly feels better.  He didn't think it was possible for them to become closer than they were before everything changed, but they have.  He can tell Kris the deepest, darkest secrets in his mind and know, without a doubt, Kris will listen and won't tell him he's wrong for thinking what he does.     
  
It's real emotional intimacy.  Something he's never had with anyone.  It's scary and exhilirating.  And it proves Kris loves him.  Him.  Not a facade of himself.  But the real Adam.  The one Kris finds crying in the middle of the night on the bathroom floor.  The one that can stare at pictures of his family for hours without saying a word.  And the one who lays his head on Kris's chest, silently asking to be held because he's still scared Kris will disappear one day too.  
  
He's currently in the theater watching Kris and others practice for American Idol Gives Back concert.  Both he and Kris are excited because this year they are also donating some of the proceeds to The Trevor Project, a charity close to both their hearts.  As he watches everyone rehearse it hits him that he should be up there.  The thought makes him pause for a moment as his nerves shift into overdrive.  He hasn't sung publicly in a very, very long time.  He licks his lips and bites his lip as the thought keeps turning in his head.  They could probably raise a lot of money if they have Adam sing.    
  
But what would he sing?  Then it hits him like a ton of bricks.  He runs up to the stage and motions for Kris.  
    
"The last part's off isn't it?" Kris asks.  
  
"No.  Kris I want to perform with you."  
  
Kris's mouth forms a litle O and Adam would laugh if he wasn't so preoccupied.    
  
"Please Kris.   I feel like I need to do this."  
  
He can't explain it but he needs to be on this stage, with Kris, singing his mother's song.  Maybe he's finally gone crazy but he doesn't care.   
  
"I have to do this Kris."  
  
Kris smiles wide, like he did the first time Adam said he loved him, and Adam knows he's right about this.  Kris jumps off the stage and plants his face in his chest.    
  
"Yeah baby.  Let's do this together.  What do you want to sing?"  
  
Adam takes a deep breath and tells him.  He feels Kris go a little stiff before relaxing.    
  
"It's perfect."  
  
The news, blogs, twitter - everything - blew up when they news broke that Adam would be performing on the show.   Adam watches it all with a smile.  It seems like old times when whatever he did, from cutting his hair to changing his nail polish, made the news.    
  
Adam and Kris rehearse mostly in their home.  Adam's still a little nervous even though Kris has assured him over and over he sounds amazing.  One thing that hasn't changed is Adam's desire for perfection.  
  
Before he knows it, it's time to perform.  He stands on the stage, Kris sitting at the piano off to his side, when the live red light goes on.  
  
He licks his lips and begins to talk.  "I want to thank everyone for all their support.  The fans and my friends.  I'm humbled by it.  Truly."   
  
He glances at Kris for courage before looking back at the lens.  "Tonight, I want to sing one of my mother's favorite songs.  My dad, brother and I used to joke about how depressing it was but she would smile and say that it's about hope.  About never giving up.  And she was right."  He takes a deep breath.  "I know what it's like to feel like you've lost everything.  To think there's no where to turn.  I want you to know that you are not alone."  
  
He closes his eyes for a moment and nods to Kris.    
  


_As I walk this land of broken dreams,_  
I have visions of many things.  
Love's happiness is just an illusion,  
Filled with sadness and confusion.  
What becomes of the broken hearted  
Who had love that's now departed?  
I know I've got to find  
Some kind of peace of mind  
Maybe

In his mind, he pictures his mother laughing at them when they tease her.  He sees his dad filming them when Neil and Adam start singing along in fake high pitched voices.  But mostly he sees them all smiling together.  
 

_The fruits of love grow all around_  
But for me they come a tumblin' down.  
Every day heartaches grow a little stronger,  
I can't stand this pain much longer!  
I walk in shadows,  
Searching for light.  
Cold and alone,  
No comfort in sight.  
Hoping and praying for someone to care,  
Always moving and goin' nowhere.  
What becomes of the broken hearted  
Who had love that's now departed?  
I know I've got to find,  
Some kind of peace of mind.  
Help me..

Adam puts his head down. He knows he's crying.  He knew he would.  The words fit exactly where he was a short time ago.  Searching for comfort but not knowing where to look even though the answer was right in front of him.  Everyday the pain getting worse until one day it almost became too much.    
 

_I'm searching though I don't succeed,_  
For someone's love, there's a growing need.  
Oh, he is lost, there's no place for beginning,  
All that's left is an unhappy ending.  
Now what becomes of the broken-hearted  
Who had love that's now departed?  
I know I've got to find,  
Some kind of peace of mind  


  
_  
_His voice grows stronger as he reaches the end.  The part about never giving up and moving forward.  About doing whatever you have to do to find a way through.

 

  
_I'll be searching everywhere,_  
Just to find someone to care.  
I'll be looking everyday,  
I know I'm gonna find a way.  
Nothings gonna stop me now,  
I'll find a way somehow.

 

When he's done, the light above him goes off but he stands there, crying for what he's lost but also crying for what he still has with Kris.  He feels Kris's hand hold his own and he gently squeezes it.   There will be bad days ahead but he'll work through them with Kris.  

He finding his way.  He hopes others watching who are struggling will find theirs too.


End file.
